We’re All In This (Movie Theater) Together

As I see it, there are two varieties of moviegoer in this world: people like myself who enter the theater confident that the film will end and they will be free to return to their families unharmed, and the rest of the population. To these people, who make up some ninety eight percent of the audience, there is an apparent danger in entering a movie theater which prompts them to employ survival tactics so extreme that members of our nation’s military forces would urge them to “chill out.” Not only do they carry enough food to sustain them for several months, but each maintains constant communication with a contact in the outside world by way of a cell phone or walkie talkie.

Certainly, the money spent on a movie ticket these days should garner a solid evening’s entertainment, but I have never exited a theater, even after the most epic of films, to discover that I had become malnourished or underweight. Just last week I saw a rather lengthy film that was part of some strange film festival where all the other movies were thirty seconds long and featured popular products such as cars and candy (some avant-garde statement, I think). This added a good forty five minutes to the already extensive feature presentation, and yet without having consumed so much as a snack I emerged from the multiplex healthy and virile as ever. Unwilling to take that risk, the other attendees that night feasted on an abundance of foodstuffs, rationing the supply into several individual five course meals.

“Hello? What? WHAT?! I can’t hear you. I’m in a movie theater!”

I am the only person in the auditorium not shrieking these words into some palm-sized electronic device. While annoyed at the interruption, I get a little misty eyed to know that so many families are being reunited right at this moment. I begin to feel guilty that my friends and family can only speculate as to whether or not I’m in a movie theater, and will not know for certain until I see them again. When did I become so selfish?

The way these people sit down in the movie theater exhibits an attitude that seems to say “Well, this might be where I die, so I better enjoy it to the fullest.” Never before have I seen creatures so hell bent on enjoying a seat. They plunge their rear quarters into the cushion and begin violently to explore every possible distribution of their weight, flailing and lunging all the while. My head is kicked and my kneecaps shattered as those around me make a final grab at comfort.

So, to my fellow cinema goers, I offer these words of hope: everything will be OK. The lights will come up. The doors will open. You’ll see the sun again. The countless restaurants within walking distance will all be open for business.

If you find movies to be so overwhelming, perhaps you should seek alternative entertainment. Might I suggest television, Boggle, Sea Monkeys, or any other at-home activity? If you must see movies, try to stick with comedy or animated fare, which tend to be shorter in length.

I hope I have helped you. Now could you please help me by shutting up, sitting up straight, putting down the hotwings and paying attention to the damn movie?

Thank you.