Bride of the Squeaky Wheel

From: Tom Hastings <xxxxxx@amctheaters.com>
To: “Joshua Way” <joshway@joshway.com>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2008
Subject: Re: AMC Theaters

Mr. Way,

I was dismayed to read your email regarding your recent visit to the AMC Theater multiplex in West Nyack, NY. We manage our theaters according to very strict standards, so I can assure you that any issues you encountered were out of the ordinary. I would also add that you seem to harbor certain a preexisting bias against our theaters and multiplex theaters in general. 

The cutting-edge automated ticket machines outside our theaters are there for the convenience of our patrons. They are not, as you suggest, “filth encrusted money vacuums.” Likewise, the ticket takers positioned at the entrance are a team of highly motivated, personable young people. They are by no means “a coven of brain dead reprobates who speak in guttural tongues, offending the visual and olfactory senses in equal measure.”

AMC Theaters offer an unprecedented variety of beverages and concessions to fit every taste. We do not “sell colorfully packaged wads of agricultural waste at prices that would bankrupt a Saudi Prince.” I doubt your claim that the Raisinets you purchased “represent a significant sampling of the extant fossil record.”

The restrooms at our theaters are cleaned at least once every shift, so it is unlikely that you discovered the “remains of Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanov” in your stall. We’re proud of our cleaning staff, they are a conscientious and well-trained group of workers, none of whom is  “one breakdown away from being CNN’s top story for the next quarter.”

Our theater seats have won industry awards for comfort and design, and we believe they give us a special edge in customer satisfaction. Strange then, your claim that our seat left your body “twisted and broken like some H. R. Giger nightmare.” And whether or not the man sitting behind was kicking your seat throughout the film, I reject outright your suggestion that AMC Theaters was “direct depositing hundreds of dollars into his checking account” to egg him on.

AMC projectionists (who, by the way, are not “mouth breathing garage apartment dwellers”) are expertly trained professionals who operate their projectors at a standard level of brightness. They do not “project movies by the dim light of a discarded glow stick.” I can assure you also that our projectionists are showing a precise and reasonable number of advertisements before our features. There is no evidence of any of our projectionists ever “performing psychological experiments on their captive audiences” by running an “endless loop of commercials so shrill and insipid they would annoy children.”

Of course I cannot speak to the quality of the films and coming attractions exhibited in our theaters, but I am confident stating that the “Mamma Mia” trailer you saw was not “an atrocity wrapped in a disaster” nor is it “born of some ancient black magic nearly forgotten until exhumed by warlocks.” Personally I think it looks cute. As for the feature presentation, I feel you’re being rather unfair when you state that Renee Zelwegger’s face “obscures the silver screen like a rotting, bloated pumpkin” and that her “permanently puckered lips” resemble “the devil’s sphincter.” I think she’s lovely and she seems like a nice lady.

Thank you for taking the time to write us. For your trouble, find enclosed a free pass for two adults to our nearest local competitor, the Clearview Cinemas in New City. 

Respectfully,
Tom Hastings
AMC Theaters Customer Service