Meeting

Thanks, Marcie, for reading the minutes. 

OK, folks, thanks for being here this morning. We’re gonna get started in a moment, but right now can I just ask that everyone check their cell phones? There are a lot of us in this room, so you’re gonna want to make sure your ringer is set to its maximum volume. We may also want to take this chance to synchronize our ring tones, so we can all take the opportunity of an incoming call to turn our chairs away from the table and rummage through our pockets while chanting “that might be me…”

In the spirit of making this meeting run as long as possible without infringing on any labor laws, we’re going to break every eight minutes for refreshments. The length of these breaks will be directly proportionate to how unappetizing the food is. Which is to say, the nastier the refreshments look, the longer we’ll have to mill around the room, stare at the food, and avoid the work at hand. 

You will also be breaking into small groups at least six times to discuss and strategize, but mostly to make the meeting last longer. The added benefit of these group exercises is that it gives me time to leave the room for a smoke.

As I mentioned, there are many various departments and divisions represented here today. I understand that several of you emailed my assistant asking why you were asked to be present, as the meeting’s title “A Personal Approach to Strategies for Strategic Personnel Strategi” doesn’t seem to apply to your area, or in fact to any specific facet of our company’s mission. Those of you who have raised this concern, may I remind you at this time that I own a BMW. 

At this time I’d like to officially start the meeting with an unbelievably long-winded and irrelevant story. At first the optimists among you will think this story MUST be going somewhere, but I assure you it will conclude without so much as a weak connection to anything else on the agenda.

Before I begin, though, I’d like to ask the gentleman in the back who’s setting up the LCD projector to please sit and listen to this pointless story. You’ll have plenty of time later to make us all wait while you fumble with the projector’s cables for twenty five minutes before presenting your three minute PowerPoint slideshow which exclusively features the “Courier” font because the laptop you’ll be running it from is missing all the ugly-ass fonts you used when you threw it together at 10:30 last night on your child’s PC. Thanks. 

OK, my story. Oh, incidentally, while most of you will understand immediately that this story is completely inconsequential and has been shoehorned into the agenda merely as an ego-boosting time-waster, those of you who are in over your heads or on the outs with me and find yourselves desperate to please and impress are still welcome to gush and laugh for embarrassing stretches of time. 

You are also welcome to take the floor at any point during the rest of the meeting and talk aimlessly at length in an attempt to look informed and intelligent. Feel free to speak in circles, never making a point and simply repeating phrases you’ve heard your colleagues use. You may even want to pass out a five page xeroxed report and then proceed to read it to us line by line. 

Ah, yes, the story. Well it seems a young boy needed a nickel to buy a bottle of Coke… What’s that Marcie? Oh, alright. Seems it’s time for a refreshment break. And what a treat we’ve got for you today, folks. I understand these Munchkins are only two days old! 

Let’s take twenty minutes. When we resume, I’ll finish my story and then we’ll argue about company stationery for an hour.