Attention Vendors and Shopkeeps!
As an outreach to the proprietors and associates of my local retail stores, I offer this comprehensive list of special offers in which I am NOT interested:
- Eight free issues of Sports Illustrated
- Eight free issues of Entertainment Weekly
- Eight free issues of Angler Monthly
- Eight free issues of Rabbinical Fashion Quarterly
- Any free issues of anything
- The opportunity to “pre-order” any movie, particularly those starring Jimmy Fallon and/or “The Rock”
- Enrollment in a “Rewards” program which promises slight discounts on wildly overpriced merchandise in exchange for an immediate payment of some ungodly amount of money
- A chance to apply for a store credit card which promises to enslave me to your corporate overlords for all eternity in exchange for an instant but negligible discount
- Free hourly email updates that haphazardly guess which products and services just might appeal to me based on the number of vowels in my email alias
- Unsolicited help “finding anything”
In the spirit of progress, I offer these proposed special offers in which I would be intensely interested:
- Eight free square feet of personal space just for entering the store
- Eight free minutes of solitude to take in my surroundings before being accosted by an associate
- Membership in the “Buyer’s Club” whereby I purchase the item of my choice in a simple transaction during which I am not asked if I would be interested in taking part in any special offers
- Veto power over the release of any movie starring Jimmy Fallon and/or “The Rock”
- Free receipt with purchase
- The email address of your company’s CEO, so I can email him five times a day with updates on how my shampoo is holding up
- One free shot at that annoying guy in the DVD section