Mega Dittos and Other Atrocities

When James Clerk Maxwell first cracked the theory of electromagnetic waves, a robot from the future appeared in his room holding a photograph of Sean Hannity. The robot warned the mathematician about the destructive powers of his new discovery. But everyone knows that James Clerk Maxwell was a real jerk, and just went right on ahead with his reckless theorizing. More than one hundred years later, we are only beginning to grasp the extent of Maxwell’s mistake. 

I’m referring of course to talk radio, which in name sounds like a worthwhile enterprise. Radio broadcasts that are dedicated exclusively to talking will not, for example, feature the music of Def Leppard. This is good. But while the absence of Def Leppard from the airwaves is not to be underappreciated, the requisite talking which replaces it needs to fulfill certain objectives. Among these are engaging the listener, addressing worthwhile subject matter, and sustaining interest. American talk radio has failed astoundingly at each of these. 

If you’ve never listened to talk radio, it is quite possible that you are a level headed, considerate person and you may want to stop reading this essay lest you spoil any of these virtues. If you’re still reading, allow me to describe a typical talk radio segment.

The first thing you’ll hear when a talk radio program returns from a commercial break (assuming the shrill voices of the local actors in the ads haven’t ruptured your eardrums), will be a burst of music, sound effects, and narration designed to equate the host’s return with that of the horsemen of the apocalypse. These intros are typically edited with the subtlety and nuance of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie trailer, and feature heart pounding music from Metallica or Carmina Burana.

“And now,” growls an announcer, “here’s your host, the only human being ever to surpass his Creator in both knowledge and mercy, (insert name here).”

From here, the program deviates slightly depending on the host. If you’re listening to Rush Limbaugh, the issues of the day may take a momentary backseat while Rush mocks an intern until he cries. Sean Hannity, on the other hand will begin by declaring his outrage over how outraged he was in the previous segment. Meanwhile over at The Radio Factor, Bill O’Reilly is swearing up and down that he is neither Conservative nor Republican, as evidenced by the fact that he once criticized President Bush’s choice of cufflinks. 

As a side note, it’s interesting to ponder why conservatives have laid claim to talk radio as their chief media outlet. Perhaps drastic hikes in the per-letter rates of sky writers left AM radio the only option? 

If it’s the top of the hour, we’re treated to a monologue before we go to the phones. Usually sparked by a headline or a soundbyte from a Democrat, the monologue will exhaustively explore and examine every angle of a story, given that the angle sounds about right and requires no research. During this monologue the host will warn you that the media is infested with bias, which is kind of like being under your dentist’s drill when he asks if you’ve got malpractice insurance. 

Talk radio phone callers rank on the food chain somewhere between gnats and the oily residue that collects on the back of a metal wristwatch. Whether they agree or disagree with the host, the callers on these shows share a common trait: unbridled, horrifying stupidity. Here’s a sample exchange:

HOST: We have a caller now who wants to talk about John Kerry’s war record. This is Phil in Oakland, is that correct, Phil?

PHIL IN OAKLAND: Blecch frzzzzzz kanadloorp dinaahhrtyuapy!!

(Sound of Phil in Oakland tossing the phone into his root cellar and barricading the door.)

While many consider Rush Limbaugh to be the most offensive of the radio talkers, I would suggest that he has been dethroned. Rush is arrogant, self-righteous, and painfully egomaniacal, but you get the sense that beneath the thick layer of smarm sits a once talented and almost listenable broadcaster. For my money it’s Sean Hannity who has committed the greatest crimes against humanity, with great inanity (oh the humanity?). 

I’m a fairly traditional guy. My values could be described as being, for the most part, moderate-to-conservative. But when I hear Sean Hannity’s voice, even if it’s only one syllable, I feel like the tree-huggingest hippie progressive under the sun. When Sean Hannity comes on my radio, I start pricing Hybrid cars. When Sean Hannity comes on my radio, I log onto MoveOn.org. When Sean Hannity comes on my radio, I think Al Franken is funny. 

In this politically charged year, when so many idiots are using the First Amendment as a Weapon of Mass Destruction, just remember one thing: the most powerful tool for free speech may not be the printing press, the computer, or the microphone. It might just be the “Off” button on your radio. And a big table leg, if you can find one.