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September 11, 2003 
Dear Mr. Way,
We are truly grateful for your business, and we thank you for taking the time to write to us. It is Chili’s policy to personally respond to each and every customer’s feedback, which takes a lot of time. We thank you for your patience.
In reference to your visit to Chili’s restaurant #374 on August 24, 2003: While we are sensitive to your dissatisfaction, we must respectfully challenge certain aspects of your complaint. For starters, it seems unlikely to us that you were made to wait for a table for “nigh on three days,” or that the hostess was as rude as you suggest, “assailing” you with a “barrage of profanity and racial epithets.” Nor does it seem possible to us that the music playing on the restaurant’s loudspeakers was loud enough to “rupture the inner ear of an adult horse.”
Looking over your description of the service you received once seated yields further caveats. For instance, you claim that your waiter “reeked of death” and “oozed an acidic substance that ate through the table.” Forgive us for doubting you, Mr. Way, but I find this as doubtful as your assertion that he “bludgeoned” you with a serving tray and “scoured the wound with Margarita salt.”
If, as you state in your fourth paragraph, “hell itself opened up” when your food arrived and “a million demons shrieked” with your first bite of our Monterey Chicken, it would seem that other customers would probably have noticed this as well. And to answer your question, no, our ingredients are not “randomly extracted from dumpsters behind inner city hospitals.”
Finally, Mr. Way, we object most strongly to your claim that our festively decorated walls depict a “chronicle of human iniquity” and that five time chili cook-off winner Slim Perkins is a “child molester, at best.” We take pride in our interior design, and do not as you say “fling garbage and excrement at the walls in no set pattern, burying the results under a layer of volcanic ash.”
You were clearly upset by your visit to Chili’s, but we are fairly certain you exaggerated your complaint. As a result, we do not feel comfortable honoring your request that our Executive Officers “extinguish themselves on live television” after “burning down every Chili’s restaurant, turning the charcoal into pencils, and writing the phrase ‘hakuna matata’ until every pencil is worn to a nub.” Instead, please find enclosed a coupon, good for one-sixth off any appetizer between 4:30 and 5:10 on Wednesday evenings in June 2009 (minimum purchase $50).
Yours truly,
Bernard Rimmer
Chili’s Customer Relations
