Soup: Bane of Mankind
Soup-human relations are at a crisis point, and we seem only to be fanning the flames. At the heart of the conflict is the convenience of soup preparation and ingestion.
With each passing year, we as a species advance the field of soup convenience exponentially, yet never seem to be satisfied. In the seventies, Cup-O-Soup was introduced, a technological breakthrough which combined boiling water, Styrofoam, and salt for a delicious and quick liquid lunch. Apparently insulted by the notion of a ten minute wait, mankind tapped all the resources of science and invented the microwave, which in the eighties slashed Cup-O-Soup preparation time in half (and in fact doubled the temperature). Success! Right?
Wrong. In addition to the still unbearable five minute wait, one still needed to measure and pour water, obtain a clean spoon, and stir the Cup-O-Soup contents. THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE. Some brands of so called “instant” soup (ha!) even added preparation steps (such as RE-stirring) and ingredients (such as milk and/or butter). Soup seemed to be taunting us: “Where is your God now, puny humans?”
The century has turned over. Human cloning is an imminent reality. Man’s knowledge can be digitally transmitted, stored, and archived. Fruit is now available by the foot. Yet the immediate enjoyment of soup-on-demand still evades us.
The latest attempt by man to crack the soup code is Campbell’s Soup at Hand, a soft-drink-like can of prepared soup whose label promises immediate gratification:
“Just heat in the microwave, snap on the sipping lid, and go!”
This promise, along with the encouraging microwave time of just over one minute (over?!), might give you a rush of elation you thought only possible in the presence of God, but don’t fall prostrate just yet.
Further reading of the Soup at Hand label reveals a dark and sinister reality. Hidden right there towards the end of step 3:
“…stir thoroughly for even soup temperature.”
Aha! So that’s your game, Campbell’s. Draw me in with images of mobile soup enjoyment, then pull the rug out from beneath me with this sadly familiar oppression.
As long as I’m obtaining a clean spoon to “stir thoroughly” with, why don’t I just run out, buy forty acres of land, prepare the soil, harvest my own vegetables, wash, boil, and puree them, mix the seasoning and simmer for an hour?
I’m no scientist, but it took me no time to conceive a solution for the Soup at Hand engineers. A small ball bearing like those found in spray paint could be placed in the soup can, allowing the soup to be mixed by a swift jiggling of the wrist. Health purists will no doubt make a stink about the inclusion of a metal sphere in a food-product, so perhaps the bearing can be replaced with a heat activated seasoning capsule. I’m just throwing out ideas here. I’ll leave it to the experts to make it happen.
Until then, mankind is left in his kitchen stirring soup while the world gallops by outside. Remember this: every minute you spend stirring soup is a minute you could be waiting in line to get your driver’s license renewed, or for a ticket to Kangaroo Jack. These are freedoms soup would happily take from you. Are you going to let it?