CEOs Say the Darnedest Things

One of the most bizarre and unlikely realities of our digital information age has been the reliance of corporate leadership on a race of men with half-tucked-in shirts knows as computer nerds. The vast computer infrastructure required to achieve success in the information trade has made necessary an unholy alliance between wealthy CEOs and guys named Gary who live with their mothers and fill their after work hours with Babylon 5 marathons and tournaments of Magic: the Gathering.

As a result the corporate landscape – with its power lunches, Lexuses, and headset cell phones – has been littered with visages of hefty thirty-year-olds with patchy beards and telltale pant stains. A sort of victory for the common man, from my perspective.

I’m not positive that I fall into the category of full-blown computer nerd (I don’t live with anyone’s mother, I just washed my pants, and I can’t even remember the rules to Uno much less any role playing card game), but I have found myself in some very interesting associations as a result of some advanced computer knowledge I am possessed of.

Working for a short time as a freelance web developer (a fancy phrase for a guy with a fast computer in his bedroom), I struck up what might be charitably described as “relationships” with the CEOs and/or presidents of several upstart companies. Lest you perceive this as a boast, read on.

Since my interaction with these professionals was telecommunicative, I was able to keep my beard as patchy as I pleased without fear of judgment. Rather, I found my own worldview shaken as I was plunged into the universe of upstart CEOs and presidents. Therein lies a pattern of human behavior so unique, so strange, so absolutely foreign, that it could easily engender an entire field of psychological study.

So unfamiliar is their manner and language that a simple introductory phone call can be disastrous. Observe:

(phone rings)
ME: Hello?
CEO: Hey, Josh Way?
ME: Yes?
CEO: This is Steve Zipperhead, CEO and founder of Lang Long Loud Communications.
ME: Okay…
CEO: I got your number from GiveMeaJob.com. I perused your creative and really loved your rich media.
ME: I’m sorry? You perused my what?
CEO: Your creative. Nice stuff.
ME: Um…thanks?

Up to this point in my life the word “creative” has been an adjective and I’ve liked it that way. I’m not sure that one phone call from the founder of Land Long Loud is enough to get me to go changing the rules of grammar all willy nilly. But this guy might give me work, so against my better judgment I don’t hang up.

CEO: I might have something for you. We’re looking for a conversion opportunity that will double our branding awareness. How does that sound?
ME: I’m sorry I don’t really follow you.
CEO: (faster this time) We’re looking for a conversion opportunity that will double our branding awareness. I’ll hook you up with my marketing guy and he’ll give you a survey of the marchitecture before we carry the campaign through.
ME: Is this you, Brian? This isn’t funny, man. “Marchitceture?” You can’t just make words up, dude!
CEO: No, it’s Steve, Steve Zipperhead. And Sean is my marketing guy. I’ll transfer you to him and together you guys can drill down the metrics on this campaign and develop an online initiative.

Now, I’m a level headed guy. I’ll give someone a lot of room before I react harshly, but there is a line that I draw. And when a grown man in a headset (I assume) starts asking me to “drill down” things with Sean in Marketing, I must defend my honor.

ME: Woah – hold it. Don’t transfer me to Sean in Marketing. Just explain what you want. Do you need web pages? Flash movies? Just a banner ad? What?
CEO: Well, I’ll trust your judgment on the creatives, I’m just concerned about branding the right metrics.
ME: And you want me to drill them down.
CEO: Yes.
ME: With Sean.
CEO: With Sean.
ME: In Marketing.
CEO: Yes.
ME: Listen here, you sicko…
CEO: I’ll pay you three grand for the initial mock up.
ME: Consider your arse branded.