Theater People: A Survival Guide
I offer this imagined scenario:
Your friend works for a house painting service (work with me here). You agree to help him on a job and pick up a few extra bucks. You meet him and two or three of his co-workers at the house you’ll be painting. The walls are prepped and you all begin to paint, in silence for the first twenty minutes or so. Suddenly, your friend breaks the silence. “Gosh, I love painting. Painting is like, my life. Sometimes I think I’ve spent more time at whatever houses I’ve painted than I have at my house!” You shrug this off as possible sarcasm.
“I know” an associate chimes in. “This house totally reminds me of that one we painted two years ago, remember that one? That refurbished A-frame?”
“Oh, yeah! Man that was awesome.”
You’re terrified.
“Hey, we should paint something green after this!” says the other painter, your last hope.
“No, we should totally paint something lavender!”
Then, as they begin singing a jingle from an old Dutch Boy commercial, it occurs to you that you are in the company of some hardcore paint enthusiasts. You feel like an outsider, like they speak a language and share a joy that you will never comprehend.
Sound familiar? Of course not. There are no people like that. Even the most dedicated house painter does not take his interest to this plateau. The same can be said of most tradesmen and artisans.
Why, then, is this extreme behavior tolerated in the case of theatre people? By theatre people, I do not mean theatre professionals, but rather those individuals otherwise employed or indentured who profess to “live and breathe” the Theatre. These folks generally appear in upwards of one local or school-affiliated drama production per year, and consequently must employ hyperbole and sleight of hand to create the appearance that theirs is the life of the wandering artiste, and not that of the district manager of Hot Topic.
These individuals have plagued me for most of my adult life and, quite frankly, I am not sure how much more I can take. Is it something wrong with me, I wonder? Do I give off the impression that I am genuinely curious about the time you did Fiddler on the Roof and Fruma Sarah’s costume caught fire and it was sooooo funny? Did I say something once in passing that revealed an underdeveloped familiarity with Jesus Christ Superstar? Is there something in my face that just begs to see your Alan Cumming impression? If I have led you on in this way even to a small degree, I am deeply sorry.
But no, it can’t be all me. I should be able to ask you how your day was without hearing about the summer after 4th grade when got your first role at County Players as one of Fagin’s boys in Oliver!. I should be able to comment on how hot it is without being subjected to an entire verse of “Too Darn Hot.” These are my rights as laid out by our nation’s founders. And if you absolutely must sing Cole Porter at me, may I ask that you study the lyrics first? It’s a common courtesy.
I hate to complain without bringing something to the table, so I am prepared. As I see it, our only hope is to band together as Americans in the face of this enemy. If we educate and prepare ourselves, we can meet these assaults straight on and reclaim our freedom.
And so I offer this brief training manual on how to respond in the face of actor-related danger:
SITUATION ONE
In the hallway of your local Community College, you are waylaid by an acquaintance with an armful of drama flyers. She walks along side you, under the guise of a friendly chat. You know it is only a matter of seconds before she draws you out and tricks you into actually taking a flyer. Worse yet, she may transfer a stack of them to you and charge you with their distribution. You must think quickly. What to do?
SOLUTION
The risk is quite high and time is a factor, so violence is your only option. If you’re a female, slug her one and deposit her unconscious body behind a water fountain or trash can. If you’re a male, use a sleeper pinch or something to put her under. You don’t want to leave any marks or this could come back to haunt you. In either case, your urge will be to remove and destroy the flyers. Do not touch them. The possibility is too great that you’ll be seen holding them, and this is the exact association you are attempting to evade.
SITUATION TWO
In the foyer of a local community center, synagogue, or church, you and a stranger are both reviewing the same bulletin board when you observe the casting notice for a local production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. No sooner have you chuckled to yourself about the sheer lunacy of trying to pull off a show like this with the comedic “talent” in your area than the person next to you erupts with glee. “Oh, A Funny Thing…! I loooooove that show! We did that in my hometown with an all Down’s Syndrome cast, it was amazing. Would you like to hear the first six bars of each song from it right now?” It’s your ball.
SOLUTION
In this case you have a little more elbowroom, since the person is a stranger and you’re not too concerned with your appearance in front of the others in the room (if you’re in a temple or church and your father’s the rabbi or minister, skip this section). In response, try one of the following lines:
a. “Friend, I’d rather towel off Nathan Lane.”
b. “Sure, and then when you’re done, to even the score, I’ll slice open my midsection and spill my entrails all over your shoes!”
c. “No, thanks.”
These have each been proven successful in real life situations.