The Palisades Mall Experience

First let me address any out-of-state or international readers who may not be familiar with the Palisades Mall. I will do my best to orientate you. With the help of a world map or a local cartographer, learn which direction faces the state of New York. Now look in that direction. See something? That’s the Palisades Mall.

The largest structure ever erected*, the Palisades Center Mall in West Nyack, NY is a testament to – well, I’m sure it’s a testament to something but to be honest, all I’m really sure of is that it’s huge. And ugly. And that, despite all my grousing, I end up going there about twice a day.

If you’ve never had the privilege of mounting an assault on the Palisades Mall, allow me to relay the experience.

Your first thought as you drive up the elegant cobblestone drive past the Japanese garden and toward the stables is “Wow, I must be in the wrong place!” And right you are. Probably took the wrong exit off the thruway. You’ll know you’re on the right track when your surroundings start to have that distinct Rockland/Westchester feeling, like someone combined a normal American town with the filth and population of NYC, and then beset it with fifty seven Burger Kings. Pundits call it urbanization, but it looks more like decay to me.

When the sun has completely disappeared, you’re close to the mall. The first thing you’ll notice about the parking lot is that you didn’t know that many cars existed on the planet, much less in metro New York. Should you make it to the front doors before closing time, savor the victory. If not, there will be another day.

Through the magic of creative writing, let’s listen in on the first meeting of the Palisades Center Planning Committee:

Committee Chair: Welcome ladies, gentlemen, pyrotechnic experts, jugglers, dentists, insurance agents, clergymen, gas station attendants and ichthyologists. We appreciate your attendance at this meeting as it distracts from the complete absence of designers, architects, contractors, or any individuals skilled in the planning and construction of structures such as malls. Our first order of business: should the interior of our new giant mall resemble the work floor of an eighteenth century steel mill that has been converted into a gay dance club?

(pause)

Chair: Well, I’ll take your shrugs and muffled grunts as a sign that you’re on board with our plan. Next item: should enormous cracks be allowed to amass on each of the four floors until it is unsafe for human occupancy?

(pause)

..and it just went on like that.

It’s too bad Terry Gilliam’s Brazil was filmed over a decade ago, because the Palisades would have saved him millions on sets. There is enough exposed piping and ventilation within for thirteen unique Gilliam films (all of them wishfully starring Johnny Depp) and at least a hundred creepy etchings by H. R. Giger.

But looks aren’t everything, and you came here to shop. So let’s get those credit cards swiping!

Four floors may seem like an overwhelming amount of retail real estate, but it’s much more manageable when you realize that more than two thirds of the mall consists of Bath & Body Works stores. At first it was just every other shop, but new stores are opened in accordance with each development in moisturization technology. There is now a Bath & Body Works store for each scientifically designated body part. And brother, the scorn you’ll incur if you go looking for hand lotion in Bath & Body Works Mandible!

Fruity smelling unguents not your thing? How about overpriced electronics? We got ‘em. Gift books featuring cats dressed up as Shakespearean characters? We got ‘em. Cell phone covers featuring Garfield, Ziggy, and other cartoon character you thought had been retired long ago? Oh, you bet we got ‘em.

Your guides on this shopping odyssey are a staff of local young people who have apparently opted to bypass the joy and exuberance of youth and make the leap straight into life-hating dementia. I feel like touching them on the shoulder and assuring them that God loves them.

So you’re finished shopping, but you don’t quite feel that trademark gluttonous American shame? Then we better get you to the top floor for a meal your arteries will never forget! You can choose from a variety of world foods, each deep fried and served with onion straws. And while eating there’s no need to interpersonally communicate with your shopping partners, just pick a wall and stare at it! These restaurants comprise the nation’s largest museum of Chili Cook-Off paraphernalia.

When it’s finally time to gather your Bath & Body Works bags, make a down payment on your dinner check and head home, you may feel a slight stab of guilt for having endorsed and advanced the activities of the Palisades Mall. This is normal. The only way to truly stop this is to sell all your possessions and live in the forest. Wow, that actually sounds really good, doesn’t it?

*May be false.