Ask Mr. Computer: The Internet

by Mr. Computer

Hey, gang – let’s surf!

Surf the internet, that is. That’s right it’s me, Mr. Computer, the guy with more digital know-how than you can shake a joystick at!

Last month I was a real myth-buster (pow!) when I answered a question from Donald of Colorado Springs on the topic of printers (no Don, there is no actual laser in your laser printer, you silly-head! What do you think this is, Star Wars?). Let’s get to this month’s questions:

Dear Dr. Computer,
I recently opened a hosting account with a company based here in Philly and I’m planning to upload my files via FTP, since the web control panel they supplied is rather limited. But then a friend told me that Macromedia Dreamweaver’s Site Manager is the best way to manage and upload web files. I’m not sure I want to plop down the $500 for DW, but I want the best solution possible. Can you give me advice?

Cathie Carson
Philadelphia, PA

Well first of all, Cathie, it’s Mr. Computer, not Dr. Computer. I’m flattered at the thought, but I have a few more sessions at the State University Adult Degree Completion Program before I can start writing that dissertation! (Incidentally, the ADCP is a great program, and they always have Krispy Kremes in the lounge!)

Let me begin my answer with a hearty congratulations, and welcome you to the 21st Century! Web sites are the coolest new communication technology since sky writing, and hip people like you and me belong on the crest of this wave. Thanks to web sites, people are connected like never before, and they are exchanging ideas, recipes, and episode guides at unprecedented rates. So, Cathie, “good for you.”

However, it seems you’ve chosen a rather obscure route to cyberville. From the sound of your predicament, and the mumbo jumbo terms you use, it sounds like you’re the latest victim of the Web Whammy! If I were you, I’d find the guy who told you to FTX your Weavers, and give him a swift reality check to the chin!

I knew you were in trouble when I first skimmed your letter and didn’t see the word “Microsoft” used once. There’s a reason their logo is on everything, you know. Beside the fact that the Microsoft Web Publishing Wizard is a simple, three click website creation solution with keen clipart, the use of any non-Microsoft application only increases the risk of displeasing Windows. And who wants that?

So, here’s my advice (besides giving noogies to that Macarel Media guy!): Cancel your hosting account, click the first Microsoft icon you see on your Desktop, type a list of your favorite TV commercials, and click Export as Web page. Voila! Now just sit back and watch the clicks come in! Didn’t know it was that simple, did you?

OK, next letter:

Dear Mr. Computer:
I recently purchased a Canon digital camera to take photos of my family (I’m retired), and I was very disappointed with the quality of the image files it produced. When I loaded the images onto my home computer (I’m running Mac OS X), the files were quite large and I expected them to have a high resolution and good detail. The pictures were large, yes, but they were murky and there was this strange interleaving visible in every image, particularly around white edges. Can you either tell me how to improve this camera’s performance or recommend a better one?

Jake Lindsay
Omaha, NE

Thank you Jake, for your question and for giving me the chance to lay this one to rest. Folks, technological advances are being made every day, but don’t hold your breath on this one. The “digital camera” is still about a century away, I’d say. Two centuries if we’re talking color.

Think about it people. A camera that records digital images onto film? Forgetting the mechanical hurdles, how would you load Windows Imaging onto it? It’s an advanced age we live in, but let’s not get carried away, gang!

Also, Jake, in future please keep your letters on topic. I’m sure your work buddies got a hoot out of that “Mack Sox” in-joke, but you’ve left the rest of us in the dark.

Alright, we have space for one more letter, so take it away:

Mr. Comp-
You won’t believe what my (65 year old) mother did to my computer. She was reading a book by the computer hutch and when she got up to answer the phone or something she put the book down – ON THE KEYBOARD!! The book (a hardcover biography of Kathie Lee Gifford) held down several of the function keys and the enter key, launching a series of Windows Utilities and basically saying “Yes” to every dialog box. When I got home, she was watching TV, the book still on the keyboard, and Windows was rolling back to my previous system setup – OF WINDOWS 95!! Do you have any tips on protecting computers from such abuse?

Mary McHenry
New York, NY

Wow, Mary, that sounds like some mom you’ve got there. What a creative woman! And to be computer savvy at her age, it’s very encouraging.

Well, yes, Mary, I do happen to have my own tips on creative keyboard use. For instance, did you know that if you arrange them properly, you can fit seven pens or pencils or four Sharpies in the space between the number keys and those funny F-whatever keys? It’s true.

And the fun doesn’t end there. Sick of fumbling around the office looking for those spare paper clips? Why not simplify your life like I did and let your keypad double as a clip dispenser? Just straighten one end of a clip, find a space between two keys, and jam that bugger in there! It couldn’t be easier, and it couldn’t be more practical!

Now I don’t want to give away ALL my secrets (I need a reason to keep writing this column!), but here’s one more for the road: During the holidays, I like to spruce up my keyboard to get me in that gingerbread mood. You can make your own design decisions, but I find that generous amounts of red glitter and a heavy coat of sprayable snow between the keys gives me that warm chestnut feeling (Silly String works too).

Uh-oh, now I’m all excited for that festive time of year… Time to dig out those animated GIFs of dancing Christmas Dogs! I better get crackin’!

Until next time, this is Mr. Computer, reminding you to Turn On, Log Out, and drop me a line. I’ve got enough know-how for all of us!

-Mr. Computer