2007 Scandal Preview!

Mel Gibson, Rev. Ted Haggard, and now Ann Coulter. In America, we like our celebrities and public figures one of two ways: nude or irreparably scandalized. If the two can somehow be combined, even better (individuals listed above excluded). 2006 was a fairly weak year for scandals, although we’re picking up some of the slack here at the end. As a public service, I present the JoshWay.com 2007 Scandal Preview. It’s gonna be a great year for sleaze!

Name:  Michael Moore 
Known As: Pundit, filmmaker, Lord of Deception

Scandal: Surprisingly, Moore will not be undone by his renowned brand of social/political rabble-rousing nor his admitted food addiction. In this early month of the new year, he will shock his left-wing fanbase when it is revealed that he accepted payment from movie studios and distribution companies for his films and television shows. Even more painful will be the revelation that Moore used this “income” to purchase goods and services from privately owned businesses. Moore will plead ignorance, insisting that he thought he was in China or Canada or something.

Name: Angelina Jolie 
Known As: Model, person who recites lines in movies, activist

Scandal: After she adopts her fifteenth child from a third world nation, Jolie will reveal her true purpose when she and her army of diverse toddlers with pretentious names invade and occupy Baltimore. The National Guard will end the coup after a three week standoff, after the Jolie militia runs out of little baggies of Cheerios. 

Name: Pat Robertson 
Known As: Religious broadcaster, Christian parody

Scandal: You know what, we’re really just spitballing with this one. While there’s no specific  scandal to preview, we’re gonna take the safe bet that he’ll say something mind-numbingly stupid and counter-productive to human progress. We’d put big money on this one.

Name: Katie Couric 
Known As: News anchor, rhymes with “witch”

Scandal: Her perky, wholesome image will be tarnished forever when a wardrobe malfunction reveals the true demonic form beneath her human-suit, blinding all four hundred viewers of the CBS Nightly News.


Name: Barack Obama
Known As: Promising young senator [D], presidential hopeful, “the black one”

Scandal: Perhaps breaking under the pressure of being one of the Democratic Party’s few bright young stars, admired by voters on both sides of the aisle, Mr. Obama will sabotage his own political future when he takes the floor of the Senate and demands reparations… for the gnomes that live in his pants.

Name: George W. Bush 
Known As: Divisive Republican president, three time “World’s Best Uncle” award recipient

Scandal: After six years of controversial policies, allegations of malfeasance, and constant ridicule from every celebrity who wants desperately to remain popular, the Bush administration will finally fall. But it  won’t be war or politics that brings down Dubya, it will be one of his crippling personal vices. Not the cocaine or the booze or any of the ones we know about, but something far more unnerving. The president will be impeached, censured, and removed from office after an experimental episode of MTV Cribs offers a glimpse into his bedroom, and thus his disturbing obsession with Raven Simone, star of The Disney Channel’s “That’s So Raven.” It’s not really that he’s a sicko or anything, it’s just one of the few shows he’s allowed to watch now that The Powerpuff Girls have stopped making new episodes.

Name: Mayor McCheese 
Known As: Politician, meat

Scandal: To the horror of his millions of supporters, financial records will reveal that McCheese’s campaigns and every one of his administration’s initiatives have been funded by a single American corporation. We can’t name the company here, but you will be SHOCKED.